En Route to Hawaii…

Off to an impromptu trip to Hawaii for 9 days with the mother-ship in tow… (shhhh, don’t tell her it’s a grand total of 12hrs 10mins on the plane because I can’t deal with a cardiac arrest on my vacation; that would take up prime luau dancing time on the island in turn throwing a curve in my progress from debilitating depression ).

Shockingly, I made it through the TSA jungle gym with only a brief crotch grope and inner thigh massage. I was expecting a much more intimate moment as per the usual; me setting off the machines on every area of my body, for no rational reason whatsoever, and being fully molested by a stranger. I have to say, I’m mildly disappointed that I was not properly molested at 6AM this morning.

The flight from Fort Lauderdale to San Francisco was almost as long as a flight to London. I could be in the U.K. right now, the fuck?! Ugh. Anyway…

Six and a half hours on the plane (so far), of course I took my Dramamine and narcotics in advance to sleep. Then I drank vodka in the form of a Bloody Mary to wash all the pills down. But did I sleep? No, no I did not. I had enough legal and illegal pills in my system to kill a small carnival pony and yet there I sat…not still…for over six hours, daydreaming about ways I would survive in the forest if the plane were to crash ‘land’. I have soooooo many plans in mind now, so that’s a plus. My survival rate should be much higher now that I’ve put so much time and effort into strategy. Not important or really relevant to my successful strategizing but; the flight attendant said something about a fine or whatever if I didn’t put back all the supplies I ‘gathered’ (stole) from the plane before landing.

The mother and I engaged in Snapchat filter selfie taking for approximately… 23 minutes and 13 seconds. I believe this to be the lowest point in the flight. I’m too embarrassed to go on.

We have a layover in San Francisco now before continuing on to Honolulu. I’ll be deleting hundreds of saved Snapchat photos until we arrive in Hawaii, please excuse me….be back soon