Dubai, U.A.E. : Part 1

*Disclaimer: Due to the length, please consider this your prime ‘Bathroom Reading Material’. In which, it is a true pleasure to provide for you.*

Heyyyyyyyyy, mom. And everyone else.. 👋🏻😉
So, based on my current location, you may have noticed that I have successfully fled the United States- fled, of free will, I wasn’t like captured and being held for ransom or anything. Just figured I’d clear that up now so we can save some time later. Anyway. The point is; don’t give up hope guys, it’s not too late for you to get out either 💙

I digress.. I had promised that I would continuously advise of my, living, status during my adrenaline-packed #solotraveladventure while in the U.A.E, South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Zambia over the next few weeks. Thanks for securing that #verizon international travel pass to enable my future FB ‘travel blog’ entries from these continents over here, mom👌🏻

CURRENT STATUS: Alive. I think. Can’t be certain of anything after being awake for like, 12, days (I’m not good with time zones…).

CURRENT STATUS P.S: I have a muscle cramp in my right buttocks region. My preliminary assessment has concluded that dehydration and 16 hour plane travel may be responsible for the buttock discomfort. Currently self-administering H2O, electrolytes, and complimentary cheez-its that I helped myself to while departing the aircraft that have no impact whatsoever on my buttock pain but they’re good so I feel like it is important to note.

To move forward and tell you how the Pad Thai I devoured while crouching in an alleyway wearing furry slippers in the 116* desert heat near the Hostel I had ran away from made me feel both entirely satisfied while simultaneously horrified, came to be; I must first go back. Back to when this reality show of my life started going soooooo far off of the average “WHAT.THE.FUCK.” charts, by my standards. Not YOUR ‘average’ standards. Bc that’s not ‘average’, for me. I’m an ‘above-average’ average on your ‘average’ chart. Ok, so now that you’re on the same page, let’s begin.

Once upon a time in my real not, not-real, life….

Wednesday, July 4. 5:15AM. 
The 5 hour drive down to Fort Lauderdale in the middle of the night put me in a mindless haze. None of that journey can be recalled. Regardless, I made it to the airport.

Wednesday, July 4. 5:45AM (15 minutes prior to scheduled departure).
*TSA performs full body search in the security area bc my flight is scheduled to depart in 15 minutes so there’s no time to opt for formalities like observing my privacy by utilizing one of the little rooms situated within the security area*

Wednesday, July 4 6:25AM (25 minutes post scheduled departure). Boarding begins for the 6:00AM scheduled flight. And here it all began to unfold….

-6:43AM, JetBlue Attendant: “We are fully boarded and ready for takeoff, please quickly take your seats and prepare for takeoff. However, we have just been notified that ‘mechanical malfunctions’ are delaying our departure. Thank you for your patience as our electricians handle the situation. We should be taking off within the next few minutes.”

-6:55AM, JetBlue Attendant: “We are just waiting for mechanical equipment to be loaded on board. It will be just another 5 minutes” (At this point, there is no air circulating in the cabin. Literally, no vent airflow. Other than the baby cries, flight attendant announcements, and the snores from the petite elderly gentleman beside me; various voices continuously chant “O.M.G. it’s sooooo hot in here! I can’t take it!”. Like, this is Florida. Also, these people have far too many emotions at this hour in the morning. As it is, I don’t do ‘normal’ mornings. So, to avoid another TSA body search that would follow an outburst; I initiated a self-induced coma via a Xanax/Dramamine cocktail. That, was minutes before the cabin went dark and the plane engine failed en route to the runway. I’m not an electrician, or a pilot, or a specialist in the area of inner-workings of flying objects. However, I feel as though a plane requires an engine of sorts to propel its heavy tin can body into the sky. And I don’t know, maybe keep it in the sky..until it purposely begins falling from that sky..? Who knows, maybe that’s just the coma cocktail talking and the plane can be slung into the air and begin its journey through the clouds out of sheer will. I used to love sling-shots. Ahh, memories… where was I? Right. The plane, no air, no electricity, motor-less).

-7:05AM, JetBlue Attendant: “I know you are all frustrated. I know you are trying to figure out what is going on. So are our electricians. We are trying to get the air on. And the water so that we can serve you and cool you down. We will update you when we know something. We have been told it will be another 5 minutes. If the heat is too much for you to handle you may now leave the aircraft as the doors have been reopened. You must take everything with you if you chose to leave. If you have a connecting flight, we DO NOT have any information for you. You must speak with the gate attendant. At the gate outside of the aircraft. So if you have a connecting flight, you may want to go speak with them. Bring your bags if that is your choice.” (ME/ME ON COMA COCKTAIL BRAIN DIALOGUE: “…but if we have a connecting flight, and checked our luggage, isn’t that luggage stored under this plane? How do I get that luggage? I can’t make a choice based on irrational terms. And if I can’t take my bags from under the plane bc I’m not a plane employee worker person who loads and unloads plane bags from under the plane- how do I take all of my bags with me? Is that drool? Damnit…”)

-7:12AM, JetBlue Attendant: “Folks, we know that it’s hot in here and you all want to get off the ground. Please be patient with us as we try and figure this out. We will be taking off in a few minutes.”

-7:22AM, JetBlue Attendant: “Once again ladies and gentleman, we are working on the electrical issue. It should only be another 5 minutes.”

-7:34AM, JetBlue Attendant: “…if you want to leave the plane, you can leave. With your luggage. We will update you when we have more information.”

-7:37AM, JetBlue Attendant: “We are checking with the flight desk. It should just be another second. Please take your seats and store all bags under your seats.”

-7:38AM, JetBlue Attendant: “Ok. Everyone please exit the plane we are now de-boarding. Everyone please grab all of your belongings and make your way to the exit.”

-7:41AM, JetBlue Attendant: “ATTENTION EVERYONE! We have been advised that all systems are now functional and we will be departing. Please go back to your seats as we are re-boarding. Move as quickly as possible so that we can avoid further delay. Please place all belongings under your seat or in an overhead bin and take your seat.”

-7:48AM, JetBlue Attendant: “JetBlue Attendant: “We will be taking off in just a minute. The electricians just confirmed that the equipment giving electricity to the plane was malfunctioning. NOT the plane itself. So that’s good news.” (ME/ME ON COMA COCKTAIL BRAIN DIALOGUE: “…did this bitch just say that the plane itself was assumed to be having electrical malfunction and keep us on this plane ensuring us that we would be taking off..soon? Did she just confirm that the plane would actually lift off into the air with 200 passengers without 110% certainty that the PLANE CARRYING 200 HUMAN LIVES WAS ABSOLUTELY WITHOUT A DOUBT PERFECTLY FUNCTIONAL, LACKING ANY SCENARIO IN WHICH THE PLANE WOULD RESUME ITS MALFUNCTION WHILE SOARING 300 MILLION OR WHATEVER FEET IN THE AIR?? Exactly how likely is the probability of death when mixing the various liquors accessible on that cart sitting behind me with my coma cocktail…? Is it more or less likely than death via plane crash due to electronic malfunction mid-flight?…”)

-7:56AM, JetBlue Attendant: “We have confirmation that the issue has been resolved and we will be heading to the runway in a moment. Please take your seats so that we may begin departure.”

-7:59AM, JetBlue Attendant: “Again, we will need you all to take your seats before we can begin departure timely.” (ME/ME ON COMA COCKTAIL BRAIN DIALOGUE: “…did this bitch just say “TIMELY”?!)

*PLEASE NOTE, AS OF THE LAST UPDATE ABOVE I AM UNABLE TO PROVIDE FURTHER DETAILS FROM THEN UNTIL TAKEOFF..*
*covertly stores empty plastic bottles in chair pouch in front of me*
*losses consciousness, again..*

….official takeoff, 8:24AM.

We landed in New York at 10:25AM. My connecting flight to Dubai, UAE was scheduled and on-time for 11:20AM departure. If you have never been to the JFK airport I will summarize by describing it as its own country, within a city. Massive. We arrived in Terminal 3. My departing flight was stationed in Terminal 4. Basically, I had to get from Florida to California in under an hour. By running. And taking a shuttle. And running again. I don’t run. So naturally, this running was a phenomenon in which I was ill prepared to handle. I will deny this later; but I may or may not have jumped on the electric golf cart just sitting near one of the gates and re-created The Fast & The Furious to get to the TSA check-point after having run off of the shuttle. Whichever the case, that in no way could have impacted what transpired at this security check, bc the cart could not have possibly been located yet near the bathroom entrance. I mean, if I took the cart…that would just be the reality, I assume. So there I am. The TSA attendant got me to the front of the line after my ‘panic-attack’ surrounding my flight that was departing in 18 minutes. I’m sure the shouting and ‘scene’ I was causing held little importance in their decision to put me at the front of that 3 mile winding line. Anyway, it was my turn. I properly put everything in the bins and pushed them along the conveyer belt as I stepped through the metal detector thing. Once I came through on the other side I turned to grab my possessions and was blocked by a tall gentleman working in conspiracy with the TSA….

Tall TSA conspirator: “Ma’am, please don’t move. We need you to come with us.”

ME: “SERIOUSLY RIGHT NOW?! I am not a terrorist. I CLEARLY have no weapons on me, my tweezers were already confiscated back in Fort Lauderdale which was a generous compliment in thinking that I may be able to overtake the plane with them, and my flight TAKES OFF IN 16 MINUTES! THIS IS BULLSHIT. THAT GUY RIGHT THERE *points to the questionable guy, wearing a ‘Beavis and Butthead’ shirt and displaying a ‘My Little Pony’ tattoo on his calf, waiting to go through the metal detector behind me* COULD SUFFICE FOR YOUR RANDOM ‘DIFFERENT LOOKING’ PERSON FULL BODY SEARCH!”

Tall TSA conspirator: “Ma’am, you’re not going anywhere. Do you want to be escorted to a room for the body search or wou..”

ME: “…IF I TAKE OFF ALL OF MY CLOTHES RIGHT NOW AND PROVE THERE IS NOTHING UNDER THEM EXCEPT FOR MY PHYSICAL BODY CAN WE BE DONE SO THAT I WILL NOT MISS MY FLIGHT?!”

Tall TSA conspirator, & his female accomplice that has now joined him: “No. Please leave your clothes on and stand right where you are. And leave your arms down to your side. My colleague will conduct the search, we are waiting on a supervisor to supervise the search.”

ME: *starts yelling to the ‘Supervisor’ standing 20 feet away flirting with the female employee at the news stand across the way*

….*mumbling obscenities for the next 8 minutes while ignored by the supervisor and awaiting the all too well rehearsed body search*…

Tall TSA conspirator, his female accomplice that had been summoned to conduct the search, & the lazy inconsiderate ass of a TSA supervisor who has decided that the search can now commence- Female Accomplice: “Ma’am I have to notify you of your rights and what I will be doing and how the search will…”

ME: “…NO. YOU SEE, YOU DON’T HAVE TO GIVE THAT SPEECH, I CAN GIVE MYSELF THAT SPEECH *begins listing exactly where her hands will be traveling and that my right to a room still stands*… AND SPEAKING OF ‘RIGHTS’, HA! Is TSA reimbursing me for my agony and stress of missing this flight for absolutely no reason other than profiling me when the detector screen confirmed that I was 100% clean and I did exactly as every other passenger before, and after me?!”

Female Accomplice: “…I still have to advise you th…”

ME: “Just finish it. Then go ahead, feel me up, confirm that I’m ‘clean’ and test my hands for whatever residue you’re testing for and let me just..be. Please.”

Female Accomplice: *resumes reading me ‘the speech’ and performs the incredibly invasive body search while standing there among hundreds of onlookers, tests my hands and her hands* “You can go now.”

At this point, I have had to pee for 2 straight hours, and I can see the glow of gate ‘A6’ up ahead. Here we go again… *resumes what I believe ‘running’ to be*

Trying to catch my breath, I alert the Emirates gate attendants to my arrival at 11:18AM. They are astonished that I made the gate closing coming from the late JetBlue flight. I’m astonished that they’re astonished and that not one employee of either airline aided in my arrival. I was escorted onto the giant Emirates airbus and the cabin door was immediately closed behind me and announcement of departure began. Before taking my seat, I took a bathroom. After peeing, I located my seat. Not having the opportunity to switch out my aisle seat for a window, or any other opportunities prior to the flight, I insisted that the flight is not full and I wanted the window seat I had intended to upgrade to. With that, and the fact that I truly believe I looked very scary and angry at this point and the flight attendants were trying to avoid confrontation- I was told to just go ahead and take whatever seat I wanted. I of course sat down in the exit row, only one seat beside me, endless leg room, and a swivel TV thing. Every single step of my journey had been through the depths of hell up until this point, when I met my new neighbor. The sweetest human I could have been seated next to for the next 13 hours (shoutout! Heyyyy, hope you’re enjoying family time back home!).

My plan was to be in a coma for 13 hours and awake refreshed. That didn’t happen for a number of reasons, so I was without solid REM sleep for days. To top it off, we landed at 8 AM IN THE MORNING, in Dubai. Not 8 PM IN THE EVENING like I had misunderstood the time was to be. However, landing on-time, I had high hopes for the day ahead.
….until I encountered immigration. Then the luggage claim area. Then again, immigration.

Ok so, I believe an outline of events will save some time here. Yah. Here’s the breakdown:

1. Exited the posh Emirates airbus after an unexpected, enjoyable, flight. Having made a new friend and feeling ready to take on a new country!

2. Parted ways with my new friend whom was connecting out of Dubai, and headed toward immigration.

3. IMMIGRATION, PART 1. My bags were put on the belt and went through the scanner. Not one of the agents bothered to view the X-ray monitor, as they were preoccupied with examining me. As I stood in front of them. They began exchanging in Arabic and I was left standing there clueless, and honestly slightly terrified. I was then instructed to follow the female agent to another area. My bags were delivered to her by a colleague and I was to stand in front of her while she took every last thing out of each backpack. The entire time, looking around, like waiting for someone to literally shine a ‘green light’ to allow me to be released after a predetermined amount of detainment. It was 38 minutes. Detained. For 38 minutes. I was questioned about a body wipe. Hand sanitizer. A piece of paper with an address written on it. And then given a speech about smoking when my pack of cigarettes were discovered. I had to explain each medication and what it is used to treat (fine, I get that part). But as a test of my own, figuring it wouldn’t even be questioned; not one word of what I was saying in regards to the meds in front of us made any sense at all, yet I was ‘cleared’.

4. Trying not to lose faith that today will be a good day, I make my way to baggage claim. I proceeded to the carousel to retrieve my luggage. After a half hour of bags spitting out- the machine shut off. My bag was still not in my possession. After locating the location of the baggage claims area- I entered their realm. Five minutes after walking through that door, I am advised that they “believe” my luggage is at JFK, and never made it to my connecting flight. They stared at me, waiting for me to point out the fact that *I* am NOT currently located at JFK and the fact that my possessions ARE is an issue…? Right. So I Google Emirates ‘missing/delayed/lost luggage’ policy, and then *I* point out that the airline allows a $50 US/day ‘interim relief’ to US citizens when their luggage is lost/in limbo. (Just to put that in perspective; $50 US only covers the Uber I had requested to transport me to the closest store/mall area to buy a pair of shorts/shirt/briefs not to mention, my sneakers are in my missing luggage and I have the furry slippers on that were used for comfort while traveling over numerous continents. That ended in being handed 183Dirham (equivalent to $50 US) and a ‘Property Irregularity Report’ and advised that I would be contacted with an update, when there was an update.

5. Then, I go to exit the airport, luggage-less. SURPRISE! CUE IMMIGRATION, PART 2. There is a second security check right in front of the exit. Guess what? YUP. They took one look at me, didn’t look at the X-ray screen once, and demanded that I follow them. Queue the bag searching and outrageous questioning…again…After holding me for absolutely no rational reason for 35 minutes, I was allowed to exit the airport and enter the city of Dubai.

6. I found the metro, instead of taking an overpriced Uber. I made it to the Dubai mall. It’s simply obscene. I’ve never seen a mall this large. The metro lets off and then it’s about a 2 mile hike, indoors, to the mall center. I had located an H&M on the handy mall app, and made my way to buy something to wear while awaiting word on my missing luggage.

7. I stumbled upon an indoor aquarium and stood in awe watching sharks swim past me overhead. Literal, sharks. Large, sharks. I could have easily been hallucinating at this point, so I decided to procure video footage to back up what I believed I was seeing. And yes, it was real…I’ll post the footage just to make sure you see it too though just in case …

8. Exhaustion. Pain all over. I needed a nice, cold, room to lay in for a bit. At 3:00PM, I finally discovered an exit from the mall and hailed a taxi (they’re cheaper than Uber here, FYI). On my way to the Hostel I had booked, for my very first Hostel experience.

9. Arrive at Hostel location. Struggle to find actual entrance to Hostel. Once located, make my way up to the 11th floor. It’s an apartment tower. I’m greeted at the room door by a gentleman. I’m shown around the apartment, and the room I am to sleep in. There are 3 bunk beds. It had to be 95* in there, easy. And no shades on the large windows, allowing the hot sun to shine directly in. I am shown the girls bathroom. Oh dear god, a frat house bathroom would have been cleaner than what I was staring at. I paid the gentleman the cash I was due. I went into the sauna (aka, my new room), sat on a small section of one of the beds that looked like it maybe had clean sheets, and began searching for hotels in the area. Finally locating one for a great price and location, I gather my belongings and sneak out to avoid questioning.

10. I’m sweaty. Starving. In pain. And generally, and actually, in a haze. Dust wind. It’s a thing. And being summer here in Dubai, it’s very prominent in the air. It’s now 7:00PM. I’m lost, still near the Hostel apartment tower, I find a little Thai vendor. Queue the “Pad Thai devoured while crouching in an alleyway wearing furry slippers in the 116* desert heat” scenario I had opened with…

So. That was yesterday. Today, my ‘today’, was spent in my NICE COLD CLEAN HOTEL room- in a coma. Waking only to receive MY LUGGAGE FROM THE AIRPORT DELIVERY SERVICE and feed myself via room service Gyros and Arabic Mezze (a very nice and tasty selection of hummus and pita bread). Then, with food in my tummy, additional narcotics were ingested and the coma was resumed. A day of restoration. It’s now almost 1AM, and I’m done with storytelling for now. Now, that you’re up to date on my adventure thus far.
Tomorrow will be spent touring the city with a friend I randomly made along my way around the city. She’s very nice and outgoing. It should result in an interesting day out for sure!

Goodbye, for now. ✌🏻